


Too good

by sadplant



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 21:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18747352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadplant/pseuds/sadplant
Summary: Brienne would never agree on what he was about to do.But he didn't need to tell her. -- Angst. Jaime-centric. | A take on what happened before that scene on S08E04.





	Too good

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tangerina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangerina/gifts).



To look at her was like looking in the mirror - if the mirror had a backwards reflection. She was the most honorable person he had ever met. She was right in all the ways he was wrong. Two good hands, a good heart. She was tall enough to kiss the top of his head - which she did once or twice in her sleep. He felt protected. She was a knight, after all. Brienne of Tarth, knight of the Seven Kingdoms, as he himself had said a couple nights before.

He liked to say her name. So he said “Brienne”.

And she partially opened her eyes. “Hm?”

“Brienne.”

“Yes?”

“Brienne, Brienne, Brienne.” He smiled.

She laughed. “Say it at once!”

He laughed too. “Brienne of Tarth, knight of the Seven Kingdoms. Can I kiss you?”

She didn't answer. She just kissed him. And he held her face with his good hand, just like before. He didn't deserve her, but there she was. She knew who he was and what he had done, but there she was. She was just too good. He didn't know it was possible for someone to be like that. Her heart remained untouched by the ugliness of the world. As if she was immune to it.

When she went to sleep again he took a moment to memorize her. She was strong. Her shoulders were as broad as his. Her lips were surprisingly soft - she curled them so much he somehow expected otherwise. He always thought himself to be blond, but looking at her he wasn't so sure - her hair was so blond it was almost white. Even down there.

When they were together, she was eager to touch him. She was inexperienced, but not shy. Not at all. She wasn't ever quiet, her hands always reached for him. Like he was something good to hold on to. She made it look like she was the one being granted something good. He hoped she knew it was the other way around: her trust alone was so much more than anything he could give her.

When he looked at her like this he almost forgot who he was - who he truly was. He wasn’t good, he was a Lannister. Jaime Lannister, the Kingslayer. Jaime Lannister, the man who pushed a child to his death. The man who murdered his own kin, who fucked his own sister. He looked at his hands, the real and the fake one. They disturbed him.

It wasn’t the blood, as a knight he was used to having blood on his hands. But his eyes were different. Now, when he looked at his hands, he saw them filthy. Smeared with something he couldn’t quite name - something water couldn’t wash away.

With both hands, he clumsily helped himself out of the bed and into his clothes.

Before Brienne, he never really thought about what was the right thing to do. The only reason he needed was Cersei. After everything he’d done for the sake of them, he walked like the shadow of the man he once was, and she despised him for it. A broken man that stank of doubt and delved in regret. He knew Cersei couldn’t bear to truly look at him because it was herself that she was seeing. Just like he saw himself in her.

But he didn’t want to be that man anymore.

Jaime wanted to be better.

He thought of the baby. A blonde, blue-eyed baby, made of them both. Just like their dead children had been. He didn’t believe in gods but he couldn’t help but wonder if his life was but a punishment, a cruel joke. Even now, when he was bent on doing the best he could, he couldn’t have what he wanted. He needed to leave in order to do the right thing. He was the only one who had a chance of getting to Cersei alive, to try and convince her to change her mind, to try and save her and the baby. If she lost this baby it would be the end of her. And he was a part of her for so long that he wondered if he himself would die too, in the moment she was gone. He didn’t want to be with Cersei anymore - not like that, at least - but he needed her to live. They shared the womb and the bed. They were a terrible family, but a family nevertheless. He couldn’t stand there and let her die.

And then there was Brienne. She wouldn’t let him go. He looked at her and she looked happy, even in her sleep. They won the battle, she was a knight. Life was smiling at her for once. They could be together now. They could protect each other.

Brienne would never agree on what he was about to do.

But he didn’t need to tell her. He was glad she was asleep, so he wouldn’t have to look her in the eyes. If he had to, he didn’t know what would happen. He didn’t want to ruin her. He didn’t want to break her beyond repair. To take away her hard earned moment of peace with his filthy hands and foul mouth. Brienne deserved better - she was too good. If he had to push her away, it would ruin him too.

So, against his own will, he averted his gaze.

Jaime Lannister stood up.

And walked away.


End file.
